Asian Weddings and Why I Didn’t Have One

For those of you who don’t know, I recently got married. I kept my current love life and this information under wraps because like many Asians, I’m actually quite private.
You don’t want to know when I make this face.

I try not to show too much of my life to the general public. The past, however, is completely open to interpretation! Regardless, I wanted you all to know that I made sure I didn’t have an Asian wedding because although Asian weddings are fun to watch, they’re too intense for me.

Intensity level 1: Wearing traditional garbs.

Unlike many Western culture marriages, it’s proper for the bride and groom to wear traditional clothing.

This is quite classy and hot. | From Alibaba

I think it’s actually cool to wear traditional clothes because it’s something rare, and it only happens once. I was really sad that my Indian friend didn’t have a lavish Indian wedding ’cause my sister went to one, and she got a sari for it. Something simple and stylish is never bad. This, however…

Well, I’m out. Peace. | From Top China Travel

Intensity Level 2: The Wedding Dances
Now, I already had way too many dances at my wedding. There was the first dance, the father-daughter, the mother-son, and then there was a family-dance, and I don’t remember what else happened because I started  wondering if it would ever end.

But in Asian weddings, there’s like 3 dances between the bride and groom, and they are productions. They ballroom dance on stage by themselves, and frankly, I can’t really dance. I had enough trouble with the First Dance, but that’s also because my wife decided that she (as a choreographer) didn’t want to have something that looked awesome.

She wanted “real.” Well, she got real. She hits me in the face around the 2:27.

Intensity Level 3: 500+ Guests
Our wedding was already large. It was about 250, but traditional weddings require you to invite everyone you ever met you in your life. I’m not even just talking about your extended family like Charlie, the husband of your twice-removed cousin Wei Hang from your mother’s side. I’m talking about people like that bus driver that took you to school when you were 4. Yah, she’s going.

Google search results came up with 47,200,000 mugshots for woman school bus driver.

It’s good to invite everyone because it’s a celebration, and you’re supposed to share the excitement. 250 was already too many. That’d be twice as large as what I already had AND I’d have to do 3 dances… not worth it.

Intensity Level 4: Dress Changes
This is more for the bride, but we’d both have to change into something for the reception. Do you really want to change each time for a different dance? Seriously. We’re now essentially in a set production for “Chinese Wedding 3000: Attack of the MarRiED Army.”

That middle one looks like Belle got fused with a cardinal. | From Luxus Silk

Intensity Level 5: Ancient Chinese Traditions
Seriously, I’m not going to allow my wedding nuptial room be open to public so people can watch and goad. I’m not praying to the Earth/Sky/Kitchen (seriously) spirit. I would drink the tea ’cause tea is awesome, but I wouldn’t have 3 banquets.

No, I actually liked the Civil Ceremony the most because this happened:

With our powers combined, we form 2 married couples. That was kinda lame.