How to Date an Asian: Dealing with His Asian Mother

So you’re dating an Asian man. Good job!

You have no idea how proud of you I am, but you’re not here to hear that. That’ll come later.

If you haven’t gotten the lowdown on the relationship between an Asian dude and his Asian mother, then you’re in for some culture shock. It’s okay, I’m here to help you.

I have a degree in Asian Studies from the University of Being Asian
Also an English Degree but no one cares about those

The Asian Mother does not think of your relationship with her son as serious no matter how long you’ve been dating. She also just thinks that you’re not good enough for her son. This is of course all prior to her meeting you, and that first impression starts off 100% negatively.

These are quite some hurdles to overcome, but it’s okay, we’ve got this.

If you’re meeting the mother for the first time, be very courteous and bring gifts. Always bring gifts. Cookies, cake, Asian snacks all work, but make sure you ask HER SON what she likes so you don’t bring something that utterly offends her.

Though hilarious, you won’t impress her this way

This rule of gift-bringing should exist every time you see her as long as you’re only dating. This shows that you’re affluent (that means you have money and aren’t some money-grubber taking advantage of her son) and that you’re trying. If you’re married to him, you shouldn’t spend that much money because she’ll get pissed at you for throwing your money around like some kind of money-spending harlot. In her eyes, you are a harlot.

If you know something about their Asian culture especially about food, a bit of the language, and customs, then by all means, impress her with it. Don’t blab on, but drop a few hints here and there.

Wearing this green headcrab, however, will impress them

That’s a pomelo rind, and for some reason that I can’t explain, that’s somewhat of a cultural thing to wear it on your head. It’s something every proper Asian has done as a kid on the condition that the family you’re dating (yes, it’s like when you marry into a family but you’re starting earlier… a lot earlier) eats Pomelos.

If you do something that you think is culturally aware but turns out you’re just a dunce, well, stop trying to impress them, and just let them correct you. Or you might have blown all your chances already, which in that case, proceed to the final section.

Speaking of which, if she offers suggestions that may seem critical, listen to her, possibly agree with her, or better yet, ask her what she would do.

“Eat Flan Slower to Enjoy!”
“Okay.”
“Also, stop dating my son.”
“Oka…what?”
*Not an Actual Conversation… yet*

If you’ve blown all your chances trying to impress an Asian mother, just make sure you really love her son and treat him well. She’ll somewhat respect you for that, even if she personally doesn’t like you. Eventually, her cold heart of black ice may thaw just the slightest bit.

Also, if the son loves you more than his mom, then he’ll defend you from her, which’ll probably agitate her but you still get to keep him! Now, don’t break his heart, or she’ll take out yours.

DUN DUN DUUNNNN
“You’ve got whatsherface’s heart. If you eat it, you’ll gain her power!”

OH shoot. One last thing. Be pretty, be courteous, and be smart. That helps a lot. If you fail at any of those, his mom will tell him he can find better (though there’s always a chance that no matter how pretty, courteous, and smart you are, she’ll still tell him).