Why I Want My Children to Learn Chinese

Having been married for about 3 months, my wife and I have already discussed when we’d have children because that’s what you do when you’re married..
You can trust our decision making. We even made a turkey!
It’s going to be a while because like responsible Asian Adults (I think this keyword alone is going to get me a ton of traffic) (also my wife is not Asian but whatever), we’re going to wait a couple years so we can be better off financially. We’re also planning on waiting for my best friends to have a kid, so we can make this happen.

The magic starts at 1:35.

When we do have kids, I want my children to learn Chinese for a few reasons.

Asian Languages Get You Ahead in Life
Children who know Asian Languages are generally more studious. That’s because at a young age, they had to go to another school and had additional homework every week. They’ll be forced to do homework and study hard for a grade that doesn’t actually help them in anything else. The Chinese School Grades don’t get them to a better middle school to get into a better high school to get into a better college. But they will have something to talk about in their College Application letters.

“The Angst of a Hapa Girl Whose Father Made Her Go to Chinese School” | From istock

Anyways, I went to Chinese school every Sunday for 10 years. That’s a decade of my life! So they get to go through the same treatment.

But the benefit of knowing another language is fantastic! China is about 1/6 of the world’s population. They are the largest superpower in competition with the US. Now, I’m pretty certain China’s economic numbers are fudged, but regardless, Joss Whedon’s portrayal of the future is coming true!

The brave faces of the future | From the Inquitive Loon

Point is, Chinese is going to be the second dominant language, and I’m prepping my children to be Space Cowboys. Sorry, Spanish!

Secret Conversations
As an extra whammy to Spanish, despite my wife being part Mexican and Spanish, I don’t want my kids to learn Spanish because then they can have secret conversations with their mom. They should have secret conversations with me.

“Where did you come from? Go ask your mom.”

Ordering Food
If you can’t order it, you can’t eat it.

Thanks for the han bao, son. You can stop your crying now.

And Most Importantly, Read Me Doraemon
I can’t read Chinese anymore, but I can speak and understand it. I need someone to read me my childhood comics ’cause having my mom do it is embarrassing, and my sister would probably yell at me. I still probably would ask them too, but they’re too far away. And who knows where I’ll be when I finally do have children, so I need someone to read these for me.

It’s like Calvin and Hobbes but Asian with a future cat-robot (whose ears were eaten by a mouse-robot and is therefore afraid of mice) with a transdimensional-pouch that carries all kind of cool gadgets to help make one kid not a complete loser in life so his future generations won’t be horribly screwed over financially instead of a stuffed tiger.
Asian Parenting at its finest.